The Shy Girl’s Guide to Talking Dirty

Have you ever wondered what cunnilingus was called in Shakespeare’s time? Or how gentlemen might have asked for a hand-job during the reign of Queen Elizabeth I?

What words would the men in your great-grandfather’s day have used when wheedling women into a bit of anal sex?

Words are the building blocks of human civilization, say linguists and historians. To that we might add that they perform an absolutely critical function in humanity’s age-old quest for good sex.

In 1386, a gentleman desirous of a good roll-in-the-hay would have politely asked if he might give a lady a green gown. If he were more of a boor than a gentleman, however, he would have suggested that they go ‘swiving’.

Both of the above would have involved entering into an argument in Shakespeare’s day.

If that argument happened to belong to a woman who demands payment for her services, then she would’ve been what people back then called ‘an aunt’.

Words can perform an important function in good sex.

By the 1890s, a cowboy wishing to get off his guns might ask a lass if she fancied a bit of ‘gustick’. If the girl was amenable, she and the cowboy would have gone somewhere to exchange some ‘juice for jelly’.

Fifty years later, someone who performed fellatio was considered an ‘icing expert’. If you had a habit of performing analingus, your friends would have said that you liked to ‘clean up the kitchen’.

Sexy is a Four-Letter Word

Clearly, people have been talking dirty for as long as they’ve been doing the deed. That’s because dirty talk is an easy way to be provocative, evocative, and sexy.

Whether you and your partner are moaning in the throes or connected by screens, verbal seduction can convey desire in ways that no image can match.

Dirty talk can be provocative, evocative, and sexy.
Dirty talk can be provocative, evocative, and sexy.

But not everybody is keen to put their pleasures where their mouth is. Some shy away from dirty talk because they don’t know how. Others are worried that they might look foolish.  

“Most people tend to avoid making much noise because they worry about saying something their partner doesn’t like, feeling like a poor imitation of a porn star, or just not knowing what to say,” says Vanessa Marin, a psycho-therapist who runs a private practice in San Francisco. “So, they settle for quiet sex because it seems like the lesser of two evils.”

Speaking the Universal Language

Recent research nevertheless indicates that dirty talk fantasies are common across genders. Women are actually the most likely to fantasize about it – and fantasize about it often.

Women are actually the most likely to fantasize about dirty talk.
Women are likely to fantasize about dirty talk.
(Photo: Alexander Kravitskiy/Unsplash)

Some 93 percent of the women who participated in a survey undertaken by the Kinsey Institute in Indiana fantasized about dirty talk.

Fifty-six percent said they fantasize about it often.

Men daydream about dirty talk, too.

Ninety percent of men fantasize about dirty talk – with 43 percent admitting they fantasized about it often.

There really are no rules when it comes to expressing your sexuality – or yourself – in bed.

Dirty talk can be as diverse and expansive as the people who engage in it. Some people use four-letter words, others wax poetic.

If you’re new to dirty talk, the idea of verbalizing your sexual thoughts and desires might seem either ridiculous or overwhelming.

But expressing your sexuality verbally is more fun than you might think, and – when it’s done right – it comes easy and naturally.

Practice Makes Purr-fect

Marin says you can actually start learning to talk dirty by yourself. That may sound silly, but it’s good way to determine your comfort levels, what words come naturally to you, and how dirty talk affects you.

If you’re feeling especially awkward about practicing alone, you can prime yourself with a little moaning and purring. Experiment with a few sighs or groans, or heavy breathing. Try saying a few simple things like, “That feels good,” or just “Yes.”

You can do this while touching your body or masturbating. That would allow you a sense of what it’s like to be verbal when you’re sexually stimulated.

When you’re ready to have an audience hear your sexy talk, be prepared for an initial awkwardness. That’s to be expected.

“You don’t want to force yourself to talk dirty if you’re genuinely not interested in it, but then you’re never going to improve any aspect of your life unless you push yourself a bit,” Maris says.

Be prepared for an initial awkwardness when you first try dirty talk
Be prepared for an initial awkwardness when you first try dirty talk.

Easing Words into the Sexy Flow of Things

If at first you feel uncomfortable trying to be verbal while you two are in the throes, you and your partner can try talking right after the deed. Talk to your significant other about how things were for you.

You can begin by describing what you enjoyed. That should be easy. You already know what happened, so you’re just sharing your experience, not inventing something new. If all else fails, you can start simply by saying, “That was great.”

Once you feel more comfortable, try more detailed things like, “I liked that particular position because it was hitting some really good angles for me.”

This will likely help you feel more relaxed and candid. The exercise might also give you some ideas about what to say in the future.

The key to introducing dirty talk is to ease into it with phrases that come easy and natural. You don’t need to play a role or pretend to be someone you’re not – unless that’s your kink.

Give yourself permission to just be you in the bedroom. Be authentic.

“One of the best ways to ease into a little dirty talk is to just think about how you’re feeling in the moment, and describe the effect they’re having on you,” says writer and podcaster Rachel Shatto for Elite Daily. “It will make your partner feel amazing and be much more organic for you.”

The key to introducing dirty talk is to ease into it with phrases that feel easy and natural.
The key to introducing dirty talk is to ease into it with phrases that come easy and natural.

Listening is Just as Important

Don’t try to ignore your natural discomfort, either. The kinds of words you prefer to avoid is irrelevant to the quality of erotic conversation.

Dirty talk is best executed through a frank and honest description of your desires and feelings using language that might challenge your limits, but never oversteps it.

“Try whispering your plans for them gently in their ear,” says Shatto. “Trust me when I say a little dirty talk in a low voice will guarantee you their full attention. Besides, who doesn’t love a dirty little preview?”

Remember, too, that dirty talk does not only involve talking. Listening is equally important – and just as enjoyable. You receive your partner’s words, and he or she guages your reaction to them.

Tell your partner what you like by responding with sounds, movements, and more words.

In turn, you can learn – from his or her response to you – what stimulates your partner the most.

Long-term, satisfying lovemaking involves being open to learning about your partner’s desires – and, just as importantly, about your own.

We’re always hearing that we could all be having better sex, more intense orgasms, or all-round better relationships.

Freely expressing our deepest desires is one of the things that might actually help us achieve those goals.

What’s your story? Do you find words are a great aphrodisiac or are you more likely to be ‘the quiet one’? Why not share your thoughts by reviewing theis article…


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