Ah, the insecurities of sex! Unfortunately we can’t ask our stone age ancestors if they worried about penis size, or whether their breasts were pert enough. I suspect they had other, more pressing issues to occupy their minds. Not that they wouldn’t have enjoyed sex. I’m sure they did. After all, we’re the same – little changed, species.
I was quite young when I first heard the phrase: “It’s not about how big it is… it’s the way you use it’!
It wasn’t much later that I learned something far more important… a lithe tongue beats any cock any day of the week!
It’s about technique and knowledge
Great sex has little to do with your physical attributes. Sure, a nice physique is attractive but it doesn’t make the owner a good lover. Nor does a pretty or handsome face!
To be a good lover, you need to understand and appreciate the anatomy of your partner. This is especially true for a man wanting to take the woman he’s with to a great orgasm (or two).
According to sex counselor and psychotherapist, Ian Kerner, becoming a great lover might be as simple as learning to perform oral sex.
Kerner learned the virtues of a gentleman’s tongue early on, as a teen-aged student at Brandeis University in Massachusetts.
“I got really skilled at turning oral sex from an arbitrary aspect of foreplay into something that I codified,” he says. “I became deeply aware of how to satisfy a woman.”
The Virtues of a Gentleman’s Tongue
The licensed sex therapist later became so committed to teaching proper oral sex technique that he wrote a book about it in 2004. Now, at age 53, Kerner has become a widely-acknowledged expert on the subject.
In his book, “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman,” he offers some useful guidance to anyone seeking to please a woman with cunnilingus.
1. Sincerity and Enthusiasm
To begin with, and often most innocently, Kerner says a lack of proper motivation hinders performance. For this reason, his first and foremost advice to lovers is sincerity and enthusiasm.
This is important because both are unmistakable indications of desire. Indeed, these days, it’s often difficult to tell whether people really like us or whether they are simply being attentive out of a sense of duty.
Women are thus accorded an extraordinary opportunity to feel comfortable in their own skins in the company of willing and enthusiastic lovers.
“When I talk to women about why they’re uncomfortable about sex, it usually comes down to issues around genital self- esteem,” Kerner says, “feeling like their vulvas may look funny, taste funny, smell funny or they’re worried that men don’t really do ‘that’ and you’re just doing it as a service.”
This is why he suggests that a man going down on a woman should actually express how much he enjoys giving her oral pleasure.
Beyond the act itself, Kerner says women will derive pleasure from being desired and wanted in this way.
2. Position and Sensitivity
How and when a woman is positioned to accept her lover’s attention is of equal importance. Kerner advises against the 69 position and face-sitting.
Despite what we’ve seen in porn and movies, a woman in the throes of passion rarely arches her spine. This position hampers breathing and “cuts blood flow to the vagina,” Kerner declares.
Instead, she should be flat on her back, legs sufficiently spread but not too far apart, her genitals tilted slightly up. “As a rule, her legs should always be closer together than farther apart, as she needs the full command of her pelvic muscles,” says Kerner.
He is also adamant that a good lover should distinguish between oral sex and foreplay.
If you want to bring your partner to orgasm with your mouth, you should learn how to build up to the moment, creating anticipation as you do.
Slow your pace and be thoughtful, kissing and touching a woman’s body to generate excitement and expectation before your tongue heads south, Kerner advises.
The act of introducing your tongue to the clitoris should mark the supreme moment when tension and anticipation are finally resolved.
“It’s really important to get the body and the nervous system sensitized to levels of arousal where that kind of direct stimulation of the clitoris is wanted,” Kerner told GQ recently.
3. Knowledge and Persistence
Needless to say – but I will, understanding a woman’s anatomy is the key to success.
The clitoris isn’t just a love button of tissue and flesh above the vagina. This marvelous gift of evolution is, in fact, a deep, wishbone-shaped area bristling with sensitive nerve endings that respond to consistent stimulation, says Kerner.
Women are real winners here. Their clitoris has twice as many nerve endings as the male counterpart, the penis. While men have around 4,000 women have 8,000! And all those nerve endings are ready, willing and waiting to be unleashed with the right technique. Lucky girls!
Too often, men change pace or position right before a woman is about to climax. The sudden shift in register makes it incredibly difficult for a woman to actually stay aroused.
That’s because, unlike men who reach a point when orgasm is inevitable, Kerner says women require persistent and continuous clitoral motivation.
“You need to get your whole face in there,” says Kerner. “If a filmmaker were capturing the event, very little would be seen beyond the still back of your head.”
4. Stillness and Consistency
In terms of actual technique and motion, Kerner observes that much of female masturbation involves a prop like a pillow. In other words, the woman is the one moving – swaying and grinding according to her preferred stride.
Subsequently, during cunnilingus, the lover’s job is often simply to provide a reliable point of resistance. Or, put another way, to be still while ensuring persistent contact.
“It’s not about using wild and varied techniques,” says Kerner. “It’s just about being able to be still and maintain contact with requisite levels of pressure.”
Of course, as with all sex advice, some of Kerner’s instructions might work better for your partner than others.
Good sex, with its emphases on playfulness, expansiveness, and imagination must, by its very nature, be a unique and personalized experience.
That said, recent research indicates that only 15 percent of women experience orgasm through vaginal penetration. If we go by this, then 85 percent of them require clitoral stimulation to achieve climax.
This gap, according to Kerner, is best addressed by oral sex.
“I love my penis as much as the next guy,” says Kerner. “In many ways, though, my tongue was the mentor to my penis, and taught it to behave like a gentleman.”
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