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\u201cThe pain of divorce is often unbearable,\u201d says clinical psychologist, Andra Borsh<\/a>. \u201cThe experience can be so awful that you wonder whether it would have been easier to be dealing with \u2026 death.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n In August 2018, hackers leaked the names of millions of people who had used the website, Ashley Madison. The Canadian dating site gained popularity a few years back for marketing to would-be adulterers with the slogan: \u201cLife is short. Have an affair.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n What followed was an epidemic of resignations and divorces throughout the website\u2019s 32-million-strong international membership. There were even a few suicides – among them that of a priest in Alabama.<\/p>\n\n\n\n On a purely instinctive level, the heartbreaking outcome of the data dump seemed inevitable. The revelation of infidelity is likely to destroy the foundations of even the strongest relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Extra-marital affairs<\/a> are the leading cause of divorce in Russia<\/a> and China<\/a>. Infidelity is also among the most common \u201cfinal straw\u201d reasons for divorce throughout Europe<\/a> and the United States<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n However, some research suggests that some marriages not only survive an extra-marital affair but also become stronger as a result.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In 2007, the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy<\/a> published a study that focused on marriages that have survived infidelity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The study showed that, on rare occasions, the revelation of a cheating spouse has led to a stronger, more fulfilling union for some couples.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In fact, a few couples cited some rather surprising benefits from the traumatic experience. Some reported that the discovery of the affair ultimately made them closer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Others came away feeling more empowered and aware of the value of their relationship and family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNot everyone in this study experienced these outcomes, though, nor did they arrive quickly or easily,\u201d says social psychologist, Justin Lehmiller<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Only participants who moved on and successfully rebuilt trust in their relationships reported any benefits from the affairs, Lehmiller adds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So, how does a couple that has decided to stay together after infidelity rebuild trust in their relationship? How can a marriage become stronger as a result of a traumatic experience?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Below are three steps that experts say are key to surviving an extra-marital affair and \u2013 perhaps – building a stronger relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The cheating spouse must end all contact with the third party. If the affair is genuinely finished, the aggrieved spouse will need ongoing confirmation of this for a while \u2013 probably a long, long while.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re the guilty party, you must be willing to discuss the details of your affair openly and honestly. If you work with the third party, it may even be necessary for you to leave your job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThis may seem like an extreme response but the process of repairing trust may require such measures,\u201d say the relationship experts and educators at Healthy Marriage Info<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Be prepared to reassure your partner that the affair is over whenever necessary. He or she may not believe you at first but in time – and with an abundance of patience – your spouse may just learn to trust you again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Discussing the affair may be extremely painful and embarrassing. The betrayed spouse may want to know all the details or just a few. It\u2019s important for the partner who was unfaithful to answer questions completely and honestly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When information is not offered willingly, the partner who learned of the extra-marital affair will sometimes use their imagination to fill in the gaps. Subsequently, he or she might imagine the worst.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBasically, cheaters must make a commitment to living differently and abiding by certain boundaries, the most important of which is ongoing, rigorous honesty about absolutely everything, all the time,\u201d says clinical social worker, Robert Weiss<\/a> in an article for Psychology Today<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The partner who is betrayed must remember to be kind to themselves, especially when they\u2019re having a bad day. If you\u2019ve been betrayed, you\u2019re likely to ruminate about your partner\u2019s infidelity from time to time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n During these moments, try to remember that recovering from the trauma of betrayal takes time. It\u2019s fraught with inevitable ups and downs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Express your feelings to your spouse, but be sure to avoid accusations. You should also refrain from rehashing all of the events around the affair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You and your partner need to talk about intense feelings respectfully. You must discuss difficult subjects without blame, judgment, criticism, and contempt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cMarathon talk sessions about it may deepen the wounds,\u201d says licensed therapist Terry Gaspard<\/a>. \u201cFind a way to forgive or at least accept their partner\u2019s actions and work towards forgiveness.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The revelation of an extra-marital relationship is always painful. The experience is not just about someone crossing a boundary, but also about all the resentment that\u2019s been a part of the relationship throughout.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The process of healing and recovering from infidelity is arduous enough to bring any person to their emotional breaking point. But you both need to confront the challenges head-on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n3 Steps to Rebuilding a Relationship after an Extra-Marital Affair<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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1. End the extra-marital affair once and for all.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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2. Communicate openly and honestly about everything.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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3. If you\u2019re committed to rebuilding the relationship, avoid accusations.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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The Path Towards a Stronger Future <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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